Of Loss So Deep
by Wildhorses1492
Summary: She has passed, and he is alone. He does not know why it is this way, what has he done to be owner of this fate? Why is she no longer a part of him, of his life? Two royals find solace in one another, over a loss they do not understand. Rated so for depressing thought subject.


The darkness.

It was so dark. But he was beginning to prefer it that way.

It was a small comfort, but it made him ache nevertheless; for the light that she brought; for the laughter and enjoyment. Nothing would ever compare to that now, certainly not now. He allowed himself a small moan of pain.

No, not pain, he knew she was somewhere beautiful, wonderful. It was a cry of anguish. Anguish in the fact that he could not follow his love. That was something bitter for him to swallow, terribly bitter. He longed for someone to talk to, who could understand; but there was no one. He was alone, once again. His fate, he was beginning to believe.

He rested his head against the marble doorway of the balcony he stood upon, overlooking the ocean bathed in moonlight. Distantly, as if through a fog – a dream – he heard the echoing crash of waves against the rock that was Cair's foundation.

Out of the corner of his eye, he regarded with listless realization as it fell over one side of his face, brushing his cheek, that his hair was turning from black to grey. He stared at the strands mindlessly, seeing but not.

With a sigh passing over his lips, he reached up and pushed the locks of his hair back, painfully reminded of her touch, her height, how she had always brushed back those wayward strands when they stood together with slim fingers, insisting that she wanted to see his eyes.

Aslan, take this agony from him; he did not think he could bear it! She had always been precious to him, and now that she was gone, nothing could fill the void she had left, nothing. The Lords wished him to marry again; they said it was not right for the King to be alone, without a woman by his side.

Damn that nonsensical idea! He did not want any woman, he wanted _her_ , and as he knew that he could not have her, he wanted for no one. No one could possibly fill this wound to his heart, to his soul. Certainly no one could fashion her glow and brighten the darkest parts of his being again.

He felt so lost without her.

So empty.

It was as if he were running through a darkened corridor, and suddenly his light had vanished from before him, leaving him there to grope about for some sign of familiarity. Love was a blessing, but so like a curse when parted from the one who owned your heart.

He would never forgive himself for not going with her that day. She had asked him to, and he had said that he could not, he had legislation's, citations, and laws to discuss with his Council; what a stupid fool he was! He should have forgotten that and gone with them, to be near her, even if he could have done nothing to save her, he would have been by her side.

That would have been enough.

The tears tracked down his face and dripped silently onto his white shirt; tears were not weakness, he had come to understand, they were release, an unburdening of sorts.

He stared at the ocean. Now more than ever he wished to sail but once more to the End of the World and find the wave that met the sky, now he wanted to cross over. To be with her he felt he might give anything; even if it was only to ask her forgiveness for not being at her side as she passed.

As he mourned silently, the tears falling evenly, unashamedly, soft footsteps sounded behind him. But he did not care if he was murdered tonight, perhaps he might in short order find himself in Aslan's Country, the land of life eternal, where he might never be parted from his love.

"I cannot bear forgetting her, but I want the hurt to end; oh, Father, will it ever end?" A sob escaped after the words spoken in pain were uttered.

"I do not know; for me, I do not think it shall, but you, Rilian, you will go on, and you will forget all but fond memories," he answered the young man kindly, his voice soft.

"Oh, I wished I might never have agreed to go, and then she would not have set out! Tis my fault, Father!" the young man moaned, resting his head on his father's shoulder as he had not done since he was a boy, sobbing into the cloth of his father's shirt.

"Rilian, it was never your fault, it was something that would happen, but we could not have thought it to happen now," he soothed, wrapping his arm about his son while struggling to keep his whispering voice from breaking with emotion.

"I feel I let her die! I am a soldier, but I could not save my own mother!" Rilian declared, pulling away and staring at the ocean, tears silently falling down a face that was much like his mother's.

"No one could save her, not I, not you, tis the way it shall always be," he murmured softly, absently, taking in a shuddering breath.

Rilian looked at his father, pain in his blue eyes running deep and unfathomable. His Council had told him to find some way to help the boy deal with the grief, but he had refused to hear it; they both needed their grief, it was not right to take it away from them when all it did was let them remember.

It was something to share and find common ground on. It kept them from giving up, knowing they had each other though they felt empty and alone without her.

"Thank you Father, for letting me join you, I believe I shall go away from you now, to rest for the night; though if sleep find me I should push it away, I cannot sleep, not yet," Rilian admitted after they lapsed into sorrowful silence, moving away from his father.

"Of course, I shall see you in the morning, my son. Aslan keep you until the dawn." Caspian turned to look back at the ocean. How strange to sleep alone now, without her to ask advice of, or to admit things to before retiring.

He tilted his head back, staring at the stars, the moon.

"Goodnight my love, goodnight. I pray you are well, I wish you happiness, wherever you are." He straightened and turned back into his chambers, moving between the billowing draperies that served as curtains when the balcony doors were shut. Tonight he left them open, to smell the salt air, to perhaps speak with her once more in his dreams.

On the sandy shore where the waves crashed up to meet the land, a lone figure walked. He turned his regal head to gaze upon the balcony. "Oh, son of Adam, would that I could remove your pain and sorrow."

The great lion walked on, alone; a solitary figure surveying a world that seemed steeped in sorrow and grief that night.

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **I am feeling depressed a bit tonight. Perhaps that is in part to do with the music I'm listening to, and the fact that I'm nearing the end of the second book in my Cycle, perhaps it is just that this is a night worthy of pain and anguish.**

 **I do not know, nor do I care. I wrote this because I do not think I have ever read a story that captures Caspian and Rilian's pain correctly on the loss of Liliandil, or, for those that love a good Suspian, Susan. After all, I never called the lady of my tale who passed on by name. Pick what woman you like, it does not matter to me.**

 **Please R &R, I would like to know how this affected you. Also, if you wish to know of the music I listened to, it is this, and can be found on YouTube: Emotional Sad Music saddest song ever. Type in those exact words, and it should be the first on the list. Belive you me, it fits this, and will add to it if you read and listen at the same time. **

**Auf Wiedersehen,**

 **WH1492**


End file.
